...china....it's pretty big....

Hello there,

We strolled off to China a couple of weeks ago, and what a grand old time we had.

I had been wanting to get on over to the China for a long, long time now. In particular it was that bloody Great Wall that I was looking forward to. I forget when I first heard about it, but it must have easily been during primary school, and getting to it has been rather near the top of the list of "wot-I-want-to-do" ever since. It's always nice to tick stuff off the internal life list, and being able to put a big fat red tick on my "Stroll the Great Wall" entry was all the more satisfying for having been able to accomplish it with the ever lov-er-ly Nicola and my Mum and Dad who we met up with in Beijing.

So some initial thoughts on the Middle Kingdom.....

- Big.
- Really Big.
- Well on it's way.
- Meat-y.
- Smile-y.
- Just so big you wouldn't believe it.

After our old friend Archs' rather quick descent into madness bought on by China a few years back, as evidenced on his now defunct (and unlamented I might add...sniff) "weblog" (or "blog"), I was a shade concerned about going.

I am happy to report that he is a big fat wimp and we had a grand time.

Here's some piccies:

First stop was Shanghai. A brief 2hr10m flight from sunny Kansai Airport. I liked Shanghai a lot. We were staying in Pudong, an enormous bloody development on the "other side" of the river from the crazy looking Bund. Pudong was nuts. All wide boulevards and leafy trees and whacking great footpaths and an urban designers dream one would imagine, albeit with that sort of "empty" feeling that resonates around newly developed areas. I felt like I was wandering around a show home and would be asked to take my shoes off. Still, some bonkers architecture and the evidence of what happens without the influence or "constructive criticism" of pesky focus groups and nitpicking residents associations made for some interesting strolling.

...this is looking back towards Pudong from the Bund. Our hotel was just at the base of that enormous tower doodad. I dug the tower doodad. I dug it bigtime. The pastel pinks and blues that it was decked out in somewhat ruined the Bladerunner feel to the place, but that was corrected by the boat with the ENORMOUS TV on it running up and down the river at all times of the day and night encouraging people to consider living offworld, I mean, somewhere new and flashy...oh...and the haze? get used to it folks....

...same big phallus...just a little closer...

...this is on the Bund. Dozens of bonkers-crazy enormous buildings from the 1900s all lined up perty-like along the river. The PRC flag flying high and proud over these testaments to European domination was a rather nice touch I thought...

...mmmm. Hazy. This behemoth marked the start of the line-up. I'm a sucker for enormous brick 1930's styled monstrosities. Particularly those that aren't celebrated (though this one is). Those that just carry on what they have been doing for decades. All brick-y like. It's my overwhelming impression of New York, Chicago and Boston, even sunny Kansas City for that matter when we spent time with smiley old Jarrod there. Good old Bricks. Fun.

...speaking of fun, whats more fun than bbq'd lamb cooked on charcoal bbqs on the back of bicycles by Chinese Muslims? Not much. For those who didn't catch it...THE CHARCOAL BBQ IS ATTACHED TO THE BACK OF THE BICYCLES...Brilliant.

...and what about this guy? This is the Communist TV News. Could ya guess? Looking sharp there fella. Looking sharp...and trustworthy...

...and not to be outdone, the sparkling white uniform of this newsreader screamed "impartiality!" as well as, of course; "freedom of the press!" Honestly though, Judy Bailey, in this get-up? R-A-T-I-N-G-S B-O-N-A-N-Z-A...

...where does one find the newscasters of the future? Why dancing and singing talent shows for terrifying young people with questionable haircuts of course...This kid was belting out the hits, he looked about 12 years old, he also looked like Tattoo from Fantasy Island...creepy...

...we also took a stroll through some of the shikumen areas which are literally a 10 minute walk from the Bund. These are the areas that, it seemed, are bearing the a lot of the brunt of this Chinese economic miracle as far as Shanghai is concerned. Crazy old buildings being torn down left, right and center to make way for shiny mirror buildings and wide footpaths. While it was a very interesting place to stroll around we soon felt rather unsettled at walking through the destruction of these peoples lives, histories and the very identity of their communities. It was a very thought provoking place, and one which sort of left me ultimately feeling very sad. It was a strange emotion though because the inhabitants could very well have been happy to move on. Hmmmm...

...more of the same...

...in an effort to cheer ourselves up, we went and got ourselves one of these little numbers. It's a wee steamed bun in your run of the mill bamboo holder doodad. The bun however has a hole formed in the top, through which you place a straw, through which you DRINK THE DELICIOUS PORKY-PORKY-PORK-PORK SOUP THAT WAITS INSIDE. When you're done, you nibble on the pork infused bread as you stroll away, rubbing your belly and giggling while silently thanking all of creation for the mighty, mighty swine and its never ending array of deliciousness...Mmmmm.....pork.....

...see what I mean?

...from Shanghai we took the night train to Beijing. That's right baby; The Night Train. To my eternal shame I did not once break out the G'n'F'n'R and for that I apologise and will eternally feel less of a man. We all have our crosses to bear and this is now one of mine...

...still, during the 12 hour train trip - in the dining car to be exact, Nic had the chance to reacquaint herself with an old friend....Have a close look at the 7-Up can she is holding...that's right folks...that Fido-Dido bastard. Now it has long been an assumption of mine that the vast majority of advertising executives are in fact no-talent-ass-clowns (to purloin a phrase.) But seriously...Fido-Dido?!? In 2007? Puh-lease! This is ridiculous. Some hackneyed mid-late 80's character dragged out of retirement (and probably rehab - those dull, expressionless eyes don't come naturally) to hawk lemonade on Chinas increasingly wealthy? You can do better than that! What about calling back Spandau Ballet for Coke? No? Bronski Beat for Toyota? Anyone? Anyone? Having said that, I do remember a time when Fido-Dido and his "crazy" hair rooled the fashion stakes. Ahhhh yeah. Intermediate School. Ahhhh yeah.

...we arrived in Beijing at a respectable 7:05 am. I was up at 5:00 with the sun so I could sit and watch "the China" go past. Crikey - that looks like a hard, scrabbly sort of an existence out there. No matter the bright and flashy goodies we saw in both Beijing and Shanghai, the countryside has a loooong loooong way to go. And tons of people live there. It will be an interesting development to watch.
Anywhoo. Straight off the train, to the hotel to meet the Ma and Pa who had arrived the previous evening, quick showers and then we were off. First stop - Tiananmen Square. It was very interesting to be there with Mum - the last time she had been at the Square was in 1989, a day or two before.....absolutely nothing happened (according to local sources.) So much nothing was happening last time Mum was there that there were a million people hanging around shouting about...nothing. And tons of foreign news services were around; filming nothing and waiting for nothing to hit the fan. In big globs. Of nothing. She had some interesting tales.
This time however we had timed our visit to coincide with the last day of the May Day celebrations - which meant red flags adorning anything vaguely flagpole like. Someone even tried to stick one on Mums cane when she was briefly standing still. She hit them with it.
Big. Tiananmen Square. Big
Sort of eerie.

Then it was off to the Forbidden City
I really liked this joint. It joins on the back of Tiananmen Square and you stroll through an enormous gate, start walking through bonkers-huge old temples...and you don't stop. This place was NUTS. It was enormous! After strolling with the crowds (such as they were - there were very few people about, or maybe the size of the place swallowed up numbers)for a long time, we decided to turn right. And strolled for the next 2 hours around deserted ancient courtyards and temples. Very, very cool.

...see?...

...the problem with travelling in China is totally the crowds. I mean look at all the people here at one of the major tourist spots...jostly...rather jostly...

...apart from here...

...so all this walking around gets a guy to drinking a bunch of water, and eventually one has to go to the bathroom. Assured by the Beijing Tourism Administration that this was a 4-star bathroom, I entered free from fear or trepidation...

...confused by the 4-star stench emanating from a thousand 4-star drains blocked to overflowing by 4-star cigarette butts I was unsure as to whether these particular 4-star toilets were
a) of the Eastern "sqaut" variety; or
b) only for downhill skiers
A not-so-friendly Dane in skin-tight ski trousers confirmed it was the latter and after he offered to show me his "Super-G", I bid him good day and politely excused myself..
It was an odd experience.

What about this guy? I don't know if you can read it, but this is an ad for the
"Dong Da Hospital for Anus and Intestine Disease, Beijing."
I took this picture in a toilet not long after the "Danish Downhiller" incident. How STOKED is this dude? Look - I'm as happy as the next guy about having a happy, healthy anus and intestine but I would like to think I reserve my "Thumbs-Up-Maniacal-Laughter" face for something a shade better than a squeaky clean colon. Yeah! Bitchin'! Clean as a whistle! Hi-five!

...possibly not the best tie-in in the world but the food in China was grand. Not so much meat here in Japan - it is rather expensive and more to the pont, not great quality and so we tend to steer clear of it. So in sunny China, I had my fill. These we had on our first night in Beijing. The hotel chap steered us along some dodgy looking steets to this place. We ate, we drank. 'Twas grand. 'Twas also about US$12 for the 4 of us. These are the deep-fried-sheep-shanks.
Say it with me folks...deep-fried-sheep-shanks...Pshaw, I laugh at your puny shanks that previously belonged to a lamb. When these came out and were slapped on the table in front of me along with another 60cent 700ml bottle of beer, I absolutely 100% looked like the dude in the poster above; although with a much better head of hair.

...deeeeeeeeep fried...
...and the good thing is, I only ended up hurling for an hour or two at 3 in the morning from these - right as rain the next day. Fair price for deeeeeep-fried-sheep-shanks I reckon...

...this is the Olympic Stadium as glimpsed from a speeding taxi. We were lucky also to get in the same photo some of the famous "Blue Wall of China"...

...here's a better view. One taxi driver asked if we wanted to bypass the stadium on our way to our next destination. "Why the hell not?" we thought. So the dude pulls over on the side of a 6 lane highway, puts on his hazard lights and points behind us.
It's a pretty snazzy looking little number.
On our last night we were pointed in the direction of a restaurant, but the chap said the taxi may have to take a detour because there was a "little bit of construction going on." The restaurant was next door to the Olympic Stadium...he was right about the construction...

...this is the Temple of Heaven
It too was very cool. Although it may sound slightly blasphemous, you can get somewhat "templed-out" when travelling within Asia. Perhaps unsurprisingly, much of the architecture and many of the motifs used are, at least superficially, very similar and things have to be a little different to stand out. A completely round Imperial Sacrificial Altar from 1420? That'll do it. Helped along by the wasted dude and his 2 giggling mates in shabby old suits with a battered suitcase full of watches bearing the face of Chairman Mao saying "Wanna buy-a-watcsh? Do ya? Ya wanna buy wonna-my-watcshes? (hic) Its gotta picsha of the Big Guy on it... On the watcsh...See?" At least thats what I think he was saying. My Chinese is a little scratchy. But still. Top place. Well recommended...

...but this was the big guy. With tales of crowds and hawkers ringing in our ears we hunted down somewhere cool and decided on this fella at Simatai, about 120 kms out of Beijing. And have a wee look there....not another soul on the damn thing. Woopwoop! Bonkers.

........

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...so there you have it. China. Bloody good fun all round. My thanks to all those that contributed to it being such a grand time. Ni-co-la, me Ma and Pa, several dozen poor, lamented pigs, one mighty pissed off triple amputee sheep and my 1.3 billion back-up dancers and stage hands.
Be well folks.
We are.
Lots of love and such.
B